My Newest Worry

In my Goal Update post I mentioned a worry that had me up for a few hours the other night.  After starting to write about it there, I realized that maybe it deserved its own post.  I'll admit: it's silly and definitely a "first world problem."

The worry is that this is the happiest and most fulfilled that I've been in a few years, and I still have so much more that I want to do in life.  I'm afraid of dying more now than I've ever been before.  I'm not afraid of the actual dying part (well, no more than the average person), and I'm not afraid of what happens afterward (I don't believe in a heaven or hell - more on that in a future post).  Maybe by the time I get to 80 or whenever, I'll be so tired that it won't matter to me so much.  I'll have experienced a lot and be ready to rest.  But what if I still feel the same way that I do now?  Or what if I die young?  Life is so good; I can't imagine not living it.  Also, I'm afraid of the growing old part.  Losing the ability to do things I once was able to do.  I'm probably stronger now than I've ever been, and it feels great.  I'm not looking forward to losing that.

Hopefully, putting these thoughts down on paper (computer) will help me to let them go.  And the good thing about this is that it's really got me sucking the marrow out of life.  I'm constantly reminding myself to enjoy sunrises, sunsets, my kids' laughter, gazing at the moon and stars, running, being outside, listening to good music.  I'm wasting (slightly) less time on Facebook and discussion forums and being lazy in general.  I'm being more patient with my children.  I'm using my free time to actively work on learning things that I'd like to know about or how to do.  I'm writing more (and enjoying it!).  It almost feels like I'm a person who has been told she has one more year to live and I'm desperately trying to make it the best year possible.*  So some good has come out of this worry, but I don't want it keeping me up at night.  That's ridiculous.  I'll die when I die, and I will not worry about it anymore until the time comes.

There you have it.  I feel better.


*Obviously, I don't really know what that feels like.  I'm not trying to make light of that situation at all, but that was the only comparison that I could come up with.